It's a Funny Thing

It’s a strange thing to want to die. It’s not like I’m going to jump off of a building today; tomorrow is another story. Lately, my highs have been getting higher and lows go so much lower. I could medicate myself into being a zombie but that would destroy the essence of who I am.

I thought about doing one of those dramatic countdowns where I’d set up a website one year in advance of the date and chart my highs and lows and daily comings and goings. And when the year is up, I’d exercise my right   of self natural selection and it would all be over. And there would be a record or it. A day in the life , or rather, a year in the life of a manic depressive nutbag.

I’ve heard that overused phrase “A coward dies a thousand deaths, a courageous man only one.” I’ve died more than a few deaths; a million may be an understatement. Worrying has become like breathing. Some of the life’s normalcies scare me to death yet I do things no normal person would. Parties with a multitude of people are something I avoid yet I go out of my way to slap the guy who needs it. I’m at a loss for words when running into an old friend yet I convince an executive to spend $500,000 before he’s even met me.

I once told a girlfriend “I’m inconsistent but I’m consistent with my inconsistencies.” She was confused by this and told me I contradicted myself. I was just trying to tell her that it may seem like I make no sense, but there are patterns.

Pattern #1: I sometimes get quite irritable. When I do, don’t push me.

Pattern #2: I don’t like to repeat myself. Please don’t ask me to.

Pattern #3: I don’t ask direct questions very often. When I do, I’d like an answer.

Our conversations would go something like this:
Me: Do you want to get something to eat?

Her: We ate a few hours ago.

Me: Yes we did. And we’re coming up to this cute little place on the right.

Her: And we will be at the mall later.

Me: Yes. Do you want to eat? It’s right here.

Her: Well do you want to eat?

Me: I can eat but I don’t have to. Do you want to stop here?

Her: Well we can if you want to.

Me: Okay. Let’s stop here.

Her: But I might not eat anything.

Me: I wanna eat. Are you hungry?

Her: Well are you?

The conversation would go on for another ten minutes and we never got any closer to the answer. The whole relationship went something like this. She made unstable rather than grounding me which is why she’s an ex. I never imagined I'd be the more stable one. 

You attract what you are. When you are unstable, the people around you tend to be unstable. At least as far as relationships go. My friends are my friends and they’ve been there for more than half my life. But as far as attracting stable women, I’ve got a better chance of getting oil out of a Mallomar. So for now, I just keep taking deep breaths in and exhaling fully.