Curse or a Gift?

Bipolar can either be a curse or a gift, depending on how you view it. When I'm in a manic state, I've never met anyone who can keep up with me mentally or physically. Adults tell me to "relax" and children call me "crazy" to which I respond "thank you very much." Over time, I've learned to channel the mania so it comes off as 'creativity' or 'youthful enthusiasm.'

I've stopped trying to explain myself to strangers or passing acquaintances. I just act the way I act and they either go with it or they don't. I found that when I act like me and don't tone myself down, people either like me or they don't; there are no lukewarm feelings and no one feels 'okay' about me. It's more black and white.


People who don't understand my situation sometimes turn it into a pissing match; they try to engage me in a verbal cage match; in the past, I would slam them hard to the canvas and make sure everyone knew it. Over time, I've learned to be more playful. If someone is being a bonehead just to be a bonehead, I'll turn into an Abbott and Costello type conversation; they can either go with it and laugh, or walk away. When I'm manic, no one gets the best of me. I've been hurt too many times by malicious people with bad intentions.


While in a depressive state, I find people tend to take advantage of my condition. This isn't usually strangers; it's typically insecure friends or family members. They tend to hit me the hardest where they know it hurts. It's a kick-the-guy-when-he's-down mentality; I used to forgive and forget but that hasn't lasted. I now give them one Mulligan but if they do it again, I can snap myself to mania and slam them pretty hard which I hate to do: it takes a lot out of me and it creates a lot of tension. ANd things are never the same.

People who know my Kryptonite and use it against me, I've learned to cut off. Those who aren't healthy for me and my situation, are out. There have been a few close friends and family members who have been cut out like a cancer. It needed to happen, and I'd do it again. Some of these people I still have to see at weddings and funerals. They know how I feel as I've made it clear. We basically smile and keep walking. There are those rare occasions where I've had to slam them again. It's one of the few unfortunate aspects about bipolar. You can only have those you trust around you. Everyone else is out.


I prefer it that way as my head can't deal with too many people. Even large events stress me to no end. Weddings and large parties are some of the things I dread. If I know I won't feel safe, I simply won't go. If I think I might be safe, I will attend and find one or two people to latch onto so I'm playing one-on-one rather than a zone. I've made some of my best friends this way as we put so much energy into each other and we laugh late into the night. I've also found myself in dangerous situations which I've had to extricate myself from. When I have no exit strategy because I hitched a ride with someone else, I'll simply isolate myself until it's time to leave. I'll use the excuses "I'm tired and I need a nap" or "You know me" and the people who do know me have learned not to ask any more questions.


The good thing about having the lows, is you realize who your real friends are. When you're manic, everyone gathers around to watch you burn. When you crash, the fair weather friends (FWFs) scatter like cockroaches when the light is turned on. The friends who let you lean on them as you limp along, are the friends you keep around.


Once you learn what your particular rules are, it's all upside. I wouldn't trade a day of being bipolar to be "normal." I could never see medicating myself and diluting my gift. My past has been a series of painful events which used to embarrass me. A long list of failures where I just couldn't get the ball over the line. Now I chalk these memories up as the silly things I've done that help give me a bit of character and personality. I wish everyone could see the world through my brain, if only for a day.